I enjoy listening to Christmas songs in the middle of the summer and ice cream in the middle of winter. I enjoy dreaming a of snowflakes falling softly on my tongue outside my house back in Texas, as a 4 year old girl who had no cares in the world. I enjoy going back in time to where we snuggled in blankets and drank hot chocolate while watching the fire dance for us. I love looking back at the memories of summers and winters. And just as summer is the opposite of winter I seem to have seasons of my life where I realize I’m not the same person I was all those years ago. I long to go back in time, to Texas, back to when life was merely love and fun and nothing more, but life goes on and I find myself reading bible verses like “…content with who they are and where they are, unanxious, they’ll live at peace.” Time rushes on…but I dream that the memories I made will be retold for generations, and so I will never be forgotten, just as my own memories haven’t been forgotten. I know others won’t remember, but my memories that are held in the deepest reaches of my heart are forever alive, as long as I am.
I try to forget and put the past behind me, but it comes back up anyways. Maybe that’s why the Lion King always makes me cry. The songs I used to sing…the games we used to play on the rusty playground equipment…. I don’t think I’ve changed all that much… I find that I can cry myself to sleep over something that happened nearly five years ago…why haven’t I let go? I feel like the only person in the world who has ever held on so dearly to something you know you can’t control. But why? I still ask God that question. I know there is obviously a reason, but where is it, why can’t I focus on that? So why did we move? I realize that it would have been the same in Texas but why? Let go how? Forget how? Or maybe I’m supposed to remember…
It’s been a rather rough journey when it came to God attempting to teach me why I am here instead of the place I would rather be, Texas. I still find it hard to cope with, even though it’s been 5 years, on my birthday (yes, we moved from Texas to here on my 8th birthday). I don’t really know why it’s been difficult, I guess I had made so many memories there and then was told, “okay, now everything you knew here, you’re going to leave behind you because we are moving and none of your tears are going to change that fact”. I’m a person who hates change, I like everything to be kept normal and under control all the time. Everything here seems to bring up something else that I used to know there. I tried so hard to get myself to understand why I was here. And that was one of the main problems. I trusted myself. I tried to do it on my own. To, let you know, it didn’t work. I just felt more miserable. I found this verse:
Content with who they are and where they are,
unanxious, they’ll live at peace.”
Zephaniah 3:13 MSG
I got, as well as I could , what God was telling me. Sometimes he takes away things that means a lot, only to give you something better, than will mean even more. “Content with who they are and where they are…” I know there is a reason, a deeper reason than just the fact that my dad got a new job 5 years ago, it could possibly be that it all happened so that I could make an impact here. I have no idea why God needed me here, and at this time. But there is always a reason. And I just wrote down whatever came to mind in that moment. I have a feeling there was some reason that God wanted you to hear that.
Even from looking at the pictures, not only are the sunsets better in Texas, but in my memories, life is too. It seemed that my friends there were having a fine time of life there and I wish with all my heart that I could be back in Texas. God wants me here for a reason, though it is hard to understand exactly what it is. Then again, it’s not up to me to understand God’s plans, all I have to do is follow them. Sounds easy, right? Much easier than planning it out on my own. Funny thing is, I like to know where everything leads. I have trust problems. It bothers me that I can’t ever seem to trust completely in God’s power so I’ll keep trying. It won’t be easy for me, but that’s the great thing in giving it to God.
(This post was part word-document-journal entry, part letter. It was something that I found hard to deal with at the time but I tell you with great joy that God came through, as always. It reminded me how much I don’t know and how much he does. I’m positive now that it’s the best thing for me to be here. Although Texas needs me, Georgia needs me even more. I haven’t gotten all the reasons put into place just yet, mainly because there’s too many to count. I started to wonder; it could be that my Dad getting a new job was as much for me to minister to my social circle as it was for him to minister to college students. We have been here 6 years now, and I couldn’t wish for anything better. Keep up the faith 🙂 )